The Mental Tug of War


Hello Everyone! It is Friday here so total TGIF, if you are reading this and it is Friday for you as well I hope you have a great weekend and do something fun! If it is not Friday where you are, I still hope you have a great day no matter what day presents itself =)

Today I wanted to talk about something that has me in an endless battle, that something is myself.  Now this may sound odd or it may make complete sense to many as I am 100% sure I am not the only one that goes through these feelings of having a continuous game of tug of war being held inside of me, my mind. I wish I could just say STOP, QUIT IT, and it would go away which I have tried, not necessarily  saying those exact words but I have made attempts to snap out of it with positive reinforcement or simply just trying to take my mind off of what the tug of war is over at that current time. This is not something that I have recently been faced with but I feel that I am always fighting against myself in what I should do vs. What is expected of me to do  or, what is the sensible thing to do rather than what is the thing to do to make me happy with life. Lately my mental tug of war has been strongly focused on my career and what my future holds, here is how it kinda plays out in my mind:

Career Tug of War: Headlining fight – ME VS MYSELF

Me – What am I doing with my career life, why am I not excited anymore about it, what is my next move?
Myself – Well if you are not excited then clearly! You have to change something and change it fast
Me – Yes, but I have a job which many would see as very good and I do truly appreciate my job but I just feel stuck…
Myself – Get yourself unstuck! Take action, do what you truly love!!!!!!
Me – Well…what is what I truly love, how do I know if I start pursuing something that will be it! Most places want tons of educational background; I have tried different programs in school but I seem to come out disappointed every time…
Myself – Try something else! Maybe school is not the way to go, stop living by the social norms and regular life expectations. You can do more than that!
Me – But what if…Never mind, maybe I should think about this later…

And so it goes, on and on, back and forth, a strong side of me vs a very weak side of me and as I said above usually I get frustrated and try taking my mind off of that topic by tucking it away until the next game starts. It really sucks as most of the time my weak side seems to actually be the strong side as I would say it usually wins these games; I get totally psyched out and great ideas I had turn into exactly that…great ideas I had, key word HAD. Another grey area of my life that I can never seem to be emotionally stable with is what my future holds. Now I know this may relate heavily to my battle of my career but I have a lot of concerns for the future, success and stability is one of the highest things I value in life, yet I feel so distant from either.

OK, let me break this down a little further, there are certain things that dwell on my mind so the future being one. I am so worried about being able to be a stable, reliable, strong, and successful partner for my boyfriend and our future but also I worry about those same traits when it comes to my relationship with my parents. I truly want to be able to do over and beyond for my future with my boyfriend but I want to do the same for my parents as these individuals are people I care for very much and would not want to let them down. Again, I am sure many of you can relate, but the question I always ask is HOW!? How can I possible achieve this goal and become this person of stability and success while I currently depend on my parents and my boyfriend at this moment to help me through life both emotionally and financially. I honestly almost drive myself insane guys when I think of these things and even as I am writing this now I am feeling a bit anxious.  I know deep down inside, there is a way and I am meant to achieve and do great things, that there is a world of possibilities and I can do everything I am hopeful for in the future but…how is always what gets me.

Where do I start, who do I talk to and what do I do?

Something that always hits me hard is seeing how hard the people I love around me work and although they work so hard it still remains a struggle to get through basic living in this world. I have seen my parents sacrifice on many things that they would have loved to do but! Duty of living life calls and bills have to be paid, they have most likely missed out on things they enjoy doing or missed out on opportunities. I can truly say, I do not want to live that life, I do not want my boyfriend and our future children to live that life, and most importantly I want to put a stop to that life that my parents have lived through for so long of having to say no and sacrifice.  I want to put a stop to this and do what makes me and the people I care for happy, I want to be strong enough to know I can and will succeed with whatever I choose to do and I truly have been trying very hard to work towards that goal this year even if it means starting off small. Three of my biggest goals this year is to become a better me whether that be physically or emotionally, find my passion and make it a living, and lastly spend my money wisely, learn to save more.

Steps towards these goals
1. Adjusting my weekly diet, cooking healthy meals rather than take out all the time (yes, weekends I give myself a break) Also I have started taking the simple task of going to the gym much more serious, so far I am on track to going 5 days for the week for 2 weeks straight! I know this may not seem like a big deal, but it is a big change to me
2. Starting this blog! Simply starting up this blog has been a big step towards my future; I have always enjoyed writing although I may not be the best at writing with perfect grammar. I wanted to find a way to put myself out there but I was not ready to put myself completely out there. I feel that blogging allows me to get my story out there and across without putting it all on the line (I know guys I should not be afraid to take risks, it is a work in progress…I still have the fear of what if…)
3. Simple, I started a savings account…again! =) Hoping this one sticks around and accumulates hehe

So far everything is far from being where I would like it to be but! I have to constantly remind myself to stop being so mean and negative, like give myself a break I just started trying all of this stuff! Basically I have to take weak me to take a hike! Anyways everyone! I think I have gone on and gone and maybe a little off topic but the whole point to this post was that I feel so many people go through this same battle on a day to day basis and just to let you know if you are being faced with this to take a deep breath and know you’re not the only one. We all have tough decisions to make and it will be hard to pick what is best to do at times but! We have to make a choice either way. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this; it really took a lot for me to write it all out in words.

Take Care Everyone…Until the next lifestyleforyoureyes post!

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